So I have decided to share something extremely personal on my blog. I am sure you are guessing what could it be? Relationship issues, mortgage issues, career issues…or just something petty. Well, it is none of these things. What is truly impacting me as a person is the loss of my arm. Yes, I said the loss of my arm. No…I did not lose my arm per say, but I feel like I have. If you know me, or follow my fan page or twitter, you know that recently I broke my left arm which is my dominant side. I still feel like the way in which I broke my arm is surreal. I mean, who breaks the second biggest bone (humerus) in their body by throwing a ball the size of a softball. That’s right…I broke my arm throwing a ball during a dodgeball game. Let me tell you more…
On March 2, 2011 I was playing co-ed dodgeball. Cami and I play on an adult league. We had just started our second season and it was the first game of the season. We were almost done playing 18 games (they go fast) when the accident happened. We were down to two players and myself verses about two or three on the opposing team. I could feel a win coming on and I knew I had the arm to do it. Does this sound cocky? A little, but if you were to get hit by one of my throws with one of the smaller balls during a game you would understand what I meant. So I wound up and I threw the ball with all my might directed at my victim. What happened next was the craziest thing that I or any of my teammates had ever seen. As I fully extended to throw, my arm hyper extended then whipped back like a rubber band, going back behind my back, then my arm fell straight down. I heard a loud pop or crack, it was hard to tell the actual noise with the mass of pain I was feeling. I picked up my arm that seemed extremely longer than usual and found I could not move it. I bent down on one knee and drew my arm into my body, bracing it. Instantly, one of my team members ran up to me. He took off his shirt and instantly started to bind me. To be honest I don’t know if he was reacting to my expression or he had actually seen what happened but I was glad Mike was there. He pressed his body to mine while binding my arm to my body. We then heard another pop. Was it my elbow? I wasn’t sure. You think you would be able to tell, but with the massive amount of pain I was feeling, I felt like I was going to pass out. After a few seconds that felt like minutes, my teammates moved me to the hallway out of the gym and laid me down on a bench. I was sweating, nauseous, dizzy, and every little movement was killing me…but the game went on. Why? Well because we were almost done and where was I going to go? The hospital? I don’t think so. Not when I do not have insurance. Yes…I don’t have insurance. I am one of the million Americans that can’t afford to pay for insurance because unemployment is high and so I opted to start my own business in which I can’t afford to buy insurance. I just kept thinking, “why couldn’t I have hurt myself after getting on Cami’s insurance this summer?”
So, after the game Cami got me home, but it was not pain free. She tried her best though. We braced my arm with a waistline burner (some sweat your butt of thing) when we got home without taking the makeshift brace off. Cami laid me down on our bed and she tried to cushion my arm/side with pillows. She also gave me 2200mg of ibuprofen and iced my arm on and off throughout the night. That’s right…throughout the night. I waited a whole 12 hours before I went to the hospital. Why? Because I was hoping the second pop we heard was my elbow going back in and that my arm was just stunned from the experience and that the pain would go down with the swelling. Well, the swelling did not go away and either did the pain. I had to make a decision before Cami went off to work and left me for about 8-10 hours to fend for myself. What is a girl to do? So we went to the emergency room. At this point I knew something was wrong because I could not move my arm and I was scared to think about un-bracing my arm from my body.
We went to Mt. Sinai, which is a non-profit hospital and kind of known for assisting lower class people. Of course, I fit into this bracket even with my master’s degree. Though it looks like a run-down facility, the doctors and staff were nothing but nice. After moving my arm painfully, x-rays, and lots of pain medication that was barely reducing the pain, the ER doctor told me I broke my humerus, the second biggest bone in my body and that I would need surgery. Hearing this broke my heart. Really…it did. I sat there feeling sorry for myself thinking, “I have permanently damaged myself forever. I will never be able to do the things I once did or could have done.” Something inside me broke that day with my arm. The realization that I am no longer young, no longer the person I once was in my twenties, and not the person I wanted to be. It’s funny how an injury can impact the view of oneself. I also felt broken because I knew that my arm would not only impact my activity the rest of my life but impact my future when it comes to my finances. Why? Because I didn’t have insurance and I knew that the ER, doctor visits, surgery and therapy was not going to be cheap. When the doctor told me that I would have to have surgery I looked to Cami and she was in shock like me. I felt that by breaking my arm I had let her down – that I had stole a little of her future along with mine. All I kept thinking was that my arm would cost the same as the down payment we wanted to put on a home someday. So which was going to happen first? Down payment on my arm or a home? My arm won out. Cami knew instantly what I was thinking and she did a great job trying to ease my worry about the oncoming bills and that our priority was my arm. For that brief second, I felt better knowing that Cami loved me and was there to support me.
Left Humerus - 3" break
After an initial orthopedic visit and a little manipulation of pushing my broken bone as close together as possible, it was determined I needed surgery if I ever wanted to feel normal again. Of course, there was a chance that my hand could go limp if the nerve was hit during surgery, but that was a chance we decided to take because the alternative of having my arm never fully extend, nor be able to be active with it was not a good option. So, on March 14, 2011, I was prepped for surgery. My surgery was about an hour and half long and I was in the hospital for two days. They ended up putting a longer metal plate alongside my humerus then planned. They casted me up again and told me to go easy.
My arm continues to feel better and strong since my break almost a month ago, but I have a lot of work cut out for me. Thank goodness I have had Cami here to support me. She has taken care of everything in the last month from walking the dogs, doing the laundry, the dishes…even washing my hair and putting on my deodorant. My Mother has been great as well. She calls me every day, lectures me never to wait so long again if something like this happens, and she paid the down payment for me to have a surgery. That’s right. I had to put $1,500 dollars down or they would not do the surgery. Could you imagine if I did not have my Mom to help with that. My arm would still be broken and my arm would never be able to fully extend again.
So, let’s get to the two things I am struggling with. Is it the pain? No. I can handle pain…lots of it in fact. What I am struggling with is that my surgery cost $46,ooo, not including the doctor’s portion of the surgery. I also have the ER bill, doctor visits, and x-rays to pay. All together I have figured my bills are around $60,000. I still have to go to therapy, though I foresee myself going only once or twice and then doing it on my own. Now the question I am sure you are asking is, does she have to pay $60,ooo…really? The answer is no. Because it is a non-profit hospital they do get federal funding. So I have to pay 30% of that bill. So as of now, I am looking at around $18,000 I will have to pay for this horrible experience.Of course, this is not including therapy. So what am I to do? I don’t have $18,000. I own a start-up publishing company that I refuse to give up, I work on the side consulting, and 30 hours a week for a government agency that does not offer me benefits. Of course I don’t make much money because it all goes to my business and towards my student loans, for an education that really has not taken me anywhere. I don’t qualify for any assistance because I am not considered poverty status but I am definitely not upper class. So where do I fall? In the middle class who seems to get shit on left and right. Did I say that out loud? Upper class gets tons of tax cuts and privileges while lower class gets federal assistance. I was told from the financial counselor that if I had insurance, I would be paying $1,500-4,000 for the whole thing and if I was getting Medicaid, I would have to pay nothing. So what does a person who struggles to make ends meet and try to provide for themselves have to pay…$18,000-20,000! How does that make sense? I can’t afford that. I am so angry right now with the recession, our government who has let us down with poor decisions, the false promises from schools that we will have jobs once we graduate, and even my own poor choices.
However, money is not even my biggest concern, my arm is. Tonight I took a bath for the first time, making sure to not soak my arm too long per the doctor. It felt good to take a nice bath. As I laid back in the tub and massaged my battered arm, I started to cry. I cried because I couldn’t bend my arm enough to touch my head with my left hand. I couldn’t even reach across myself to wash my right underarm. Essentially, all I can do is move my arm about 3-4 inches toward my body and about 2-3 inches in attempt to straighten my arm out. I can’t help but get emotional over the fact that my upper arm is part plate and that my dominant arm will probably be weaker than my less dominant and awkward right arm. I know I should be lucky on so many levels. I have an arm and my life, but I start to wonder what good is life if you can’t live it to the fullest.
This experience and knowing the amount of time I am going to have to put into rehabilitation of my arm has me re-evaluating my life on so many levels. First, and foremost, my health. I have been overweight for too long. There is no excuse anymore. I have let myself go over the years and my weight has hindered me in so many ways. I have made a promise to myself that my life-style has to change. I also am more determined than ever to make TLT successful because I believe in what we are doing and that it is making a small imprint on people’s lives by providing the opportunity for some to be able to reach their dreams. I also believe that TLT will be my legacy, probably my only legacy, but it will be a great one. I know I have to stick to it and not let my situation or others get me down. In truth, I am really happy. I love my company, my partner, and my little dog too. I do have a great life, but I know I could and can be so much more.
Well, I have shared my deepest concerns and feelings, and I feel so much better for it. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Thank you everyone for listening, supporting and loving. Peace.
